Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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