we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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