My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
