i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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