I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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