she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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