You really coming over, don't trick.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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