just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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