if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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