she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
