I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
