Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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