I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I want to fling myself into the sun
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
