Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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