So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
