Your dad touched me again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
