def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh god it's open bar.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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