I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
