ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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