And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
