All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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