We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
