Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
