so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wear drunk well.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
