the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
