my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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