Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
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