Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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