I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
