I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
