you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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