Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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