You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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