So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
