I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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