We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
