I am in a vortex of obligation.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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