i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
