ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
