sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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