I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
