I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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