My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
