grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
