I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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