she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
