Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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