I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
