that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
