did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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