Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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