i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
